Stick a Fork in It, the Roast is Done

By Megan Robb

If only my scanner worked. I’d have notebook pages full of scribbling and soup stains to show you. I originally planned on writing an essay about the Comedy Central Roast of Charlie Sheen that discussed the ever-blurring definitions of entertainment, celebrity, and reality. Instead I wrote seven pages worth of stream of conscious commentary while I watched the show, but in their own way, they do cover the topics I intended to write about in essay form.

Here’s what I consider the best of the rundown. I really did use all lowercase letters. Think of it as an e.e. cummings-style poem, kind of like my Ten O’Clock News one from last week:

really this needed a preshow do I really want to fuel this guy’s delusions it’s got to be all an act by now look at the difference btw wall street + recent it has to be an act by now this is a sad and interesting montage forgot all about ferris beuller i wish they could just roast him w/o him being there or getting any pleasure from it well look who put on a suit instead of a catch phrase t-shirt it’s sad the double standard if he was a woman being crazy taking drugs he’d never be successful they’d call him slut whore Lindsay…

love me some [jon] lovitz he’s a national treasure

brooke mueller’s so drunk is that ben kingsley

j. depp looks like sheen in the rum diary trailer intended? yes

hey jeff [ross], seth [macfarlane] made the same joke and now he’s floundering just say balls enough times and maybe someone will laugh oh wait he’s saving himself and he goes back down wow I knew the punchline before he even said it

is that dog the bounty hunter? whoever said this was a pathetic line-up was right
commercials: axe spray energy shot beef jerky I would love to see a tampon commercial right now

why is tyson swinging his arms around I doubt his literacy oh no he keeps trying to button his jacket it’s not working his hands are jittery I don’t even know what he’s saying oh that was good I wish I’d bitten my own ears off tyson’s a mouth breather

steve- o wow he has clothes on it’s funny when the roast is more about tyson at least steve-o looks good not sexy good but 1950s clean-ish good.
[william] shatner is a glazed ham a wonderful glazed ham

patrice [o’neal] may be the soberest guy in the room steve-o is high on piety

sheen’s good, I have to hand it to him but I hope he goes away for a while all right wrap it up, wonder what the sheen/estevez family dynamic is like seems sad + strained and it’s over well it wasn’t terrible can’t say anything else eye of the tiger is a really good song.

…And there you have it. It may look like the ramblings of a drunk, but it wasn’t. I just couldn’t wait to go to bed. That’s just what watching Charlie Sheen and some other current and former addicts on a stage will do to you.

 Contributing writer Megan Robb is a writer, consultant and editor living in Raleigh, North Carolina. Her articles can be found at divot.com, wordhusterink.com, and cracked.com, as well as her personal website, megan-robb-writer.webs.com

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