Thursday Essay: Dirty Underwear and Burger King Coupons

By Matt Lawson
 During the summer when I wake up in a dark and smoky room surrounded by clueless, unbathed, peers desperate for a shave and some clean underwear, I think, “Who stole my Burger King coupon?” Sadly, the same shady characters make it to the first day of class and I think, “Who can I cheat off?”
 Hello all, I’m Matt “Didn’t mean to hit your parked car” Martin, and welcome back to school. Yes, all of the crones, ogres, and educators of yore, have gathered to make sure we remember what exactly a gerund is and how it will never be useful four months from now. Either way, we must fold up our lawn chairs, break out our flasks disguised as belt buckles, brush our teeth, and save our flatulence for alone time, because school is in and being a bum is out. But let’s try to look at this on the positive side. I mean, why mope around campus like Eeyores when we could be a bunch of Tiggers!!!
 Sorry about that, my sister, Matilda “I need attention” Martin, just had her second child and Winnie the Pooh references are unavoidable in the Martin household. Anyhoo, there are plenty of good reasons to keep the summer spirit in during these first few weeks of school.  First off, you will have no trouble finding something to do anytime or day of the week. With school in comes around the clock anarchy, and from looting parked cars to shopping in malls, studying ardently or beating that video game again. Now is the time to do it all, be ubiquitous, and not feel lonely.
 Secondly: Frat and Sorority initiations. If you like bold partial nudity that threatens American values, drinking alcohol out of objects you wouldn’t clean a toilet with, and paying for friends, welcome to the jungle. You may think that this should coincide with point one up there, but this group activity requires a lot less thought. Here all you have to do is hug people, smile, write out false checks, occasionally go to class and occasionally go to jail.
 Thirdly: Free yoga classes on campus start Wednesday…so let’s do something about it.
 Fourthly: The dorms are open, hell yeah. They are 10 story toilets that sell everything from old syllabi to burned DVD’s and fake ID’s. Enjoy the dorms while you can. It won’t be long before you can only relieve yourself in “distinguished areas”. Also, never underestimate the convenience of Mini Fridges or your roommate’s computer for downloading whatever you desire without having to worry about those pesky viruses or computer hackers.
 Fifthly, you can hit your parents up for money without feeling as guilty. Everyone needs books, even film majors.  Everyone needs book bags, clothes, a meal plan…and other excuses to scrimp together enough money to support smoking and drinking habbits.
 Sixthly, let’s not lie to ourselves, college is the only decent place to meet college aged members of the opposite sex.  Sure, there are a few outliers in group, from Joe, the retired man in my poetry class whose first poem was call “My Wife’s Underwear”, to Silas, the 12 year old ginger kid who descended from Einstein.   And calls me a pussy when I walk by. But trust me,  if there are these “under aged” girls on my campus, I’ve never met them.
 Finally and this is my favorite part of the school year, people handing out those little coupon booklets with over 500 dollars in savings. I still savor mine from last year, it recently saved me $20 on a pair of tires.
 In conclusion…by the end of this semester, I hope I know how to write a conclusion or at least know someone who can do it for me.
 Matt Lawson…er, “Matt Martin” is the editor of Hennen’s print publication.  When he isn’t editing stories or doing layout, he can be found chugging brews with his bros…er, family.  Honest.