When Your Christmas Song Playlist Needs a Kick


Photo Credit: Cécile Graat

The answer is when you’re sick of listening to Christmas music. By now, you probably are. Radio stations have started playing it (some nonstop) since the day after Thanksgiving. Don’t get me wrong; Christmas music is great.

Most people like variety. Any song you could possibly ever want to hear has multiple versions by a plethora of artists. Traditional Christmas carols are awe-inspiring and spine chilling, but sometimes girls just want to have fun and rock out to the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, Michael Buble, or Mariah Carey. And by girls I mean anyone, unless you are a stickler for tradition.

But sometimes when you’re listening to the radio, the weird comes. The awkwardness sets in when the radio stations try to mix it up. It’s like if you are browsing YouTube and you ever end up in “the weird side of YouTube,” as it is most famously referred to. Radio-wise, you know what I’m talking about—the Christmas songs that probably should have never been considered Christmas songs.

For example, my family has a standing debate on Eartha Kitt’s “Santa Baby.” I can’t seem to listen to it without cringing. Mainly because Eartha’s voice, which sounds like a rendition of Marilyn Monroe singing “Happy Birthday Mr. President.” It just seems like it should be in a 20’s nightclub somewhere instead of blasting from my speakers as I awkwardly sip hot chocolate.

Another one is “I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.” I get it—it’s supposed to be funny that the father is Santa Claus. But personally, if my mommy kissed Santa Claus, I would have bashed Santa Claus with the empty cookie plate.

So as I was browsing YouTube the other day, I decided to collect the weirdest and most interesting Christmas songs I’ve ever heard. The radio plays some of the songs, and they will never play others or the FCC might be after them. The winners are as follows:

1. “The Night Santa Went Crazy”-Weird Al Yankovic. REASON: Santa commits elf genocide and is a certified reindeer killer. This is definitely not one for the kids unless they realize Santa is already dead (not even then), or people who are still kids at heart.

2. “I want a Hippopotamus for Christmas”- Gayla Peeve. REASON: Hippopotamuses are not in season. The child should have wanted a snow dog, a reindeer, or a small bear cub.

3. “The 8 Polish Foods of Christmas”- Veggie Tales Christmas Party. REASON: The Veggie Tales are basically eating vegetables (cannibalism) and meat.

4. “Oh Santa”- Veggie Tales (Silly Songs with Larry). REASON: The song description. A bank robber, a Viking, and an IRS agent visit Larry as he waits for Santa. It’s comic because two of the people want money and one might possibly murder him. Oh, and he’s a cucumber.

5. “Christmas Swag”-YTF. REASON: Enough said.

6. “A Very Steam Punk Christmas”- The Men That Will Be Blamed For Nothing. REASON: This is a retelling of ‘A Christmas Carol’ centering on Ebenezer Scrooge. If you turned this up really loud, you would wake someone up or potentially do damage to his or her eardrums.

7. “Christmas Sucks in San Francisco”-The Downer Party. REASON: This song was pretty relaxing. It was also catchy in a sweet way. It was about the lack of December holidays in general.

8. “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”-Elmo & Patsy. REASON: No one seems to lament the fact that the grandma was run over by a reindeer.

9. “Christmas Shoes”-New Song. REASON: Every time this comes on the radio, my family and I agree that this is the most depressing Christmas song we have ever heard. Touching message, but just really depressing.

10. “Christmas is the Time to Say I Love You”-Billy Squier. REASON: Questionable title, weird vocals, but interesting message and super catchy tune.

11. “Jingle Bells”-Brave Combo. REASON: This instrumental of “Jingle Bells” will make you dizzy even if you’re sitting down.

12. “Christmas Night in Harlem”-Louis Armstrong. REASON:  There is no spoon. Seriously, this is a great song. I love it and it’s not one you usually hear.

13. “Silver Bells”-Twisted Sister. REASON: This song actually hurt my ears and I couldn’t actually hear anything they were saying in the song, except for the chorus.

14. “Feliz Navidad”-Jose Feliciano. REASON: Merry Christmas in Spanish! The music is really catchy and if you wanted to go somewhere warm for Christmas but ended up staying in a snowy area, this song will make you feel like you are there. And you can get a mini work out in with dancing.

15. “I Wish Everyday Could Be Like Christmas”-Bon Jovi. REASON: Christmas everyday would get ridiculous really fast. Not my favorite, but Bon Jovi does an admirable job here in terms of lyrics.

16. “Santa I’m Right Here”-Toby Keith. REASON: A song about a little boy living on the street and what he wants from Santa for Christmas. Unexpected and heartfelt song—I could barely finish it because it was really gripping.

17. “Winter Wonderland”-Ozzy Osbourne and Jessica Simpson. REASON: Ozzy sounded computer generated and this version is almost too syrupy.

18. “Catfish Christmas”-Steve Azar. REASON: I wanted to laugh the whole time. The music video was ridiculous.

I hope you’ve been able to find a break, a laugh, or a dancing queen in one of these songs. To recap, there is a song sung about a hippo, songs by vegetables about eating Polish foods, touching Christmas songs, possibly disturbing Christmas songs, a Christmas rap song, and a song about a specific place. Oh, and catfish in case you need some motivation to get down to your Friday Fish Fry.

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